Guide to Staying Away from People Man

** This was written completely in trini slang/broken English.

Yuh gone 51 Thursday and bounce up on a smallie dancing oh so aggressively on your bredrin but you know your bredrin gyal downstairs waiting on Ras to check her ID. He stands there awkwardly and uninterested because he knows his girlfriend is Chucky’s bride on steroids. Your friend’s girlfriend makes it past security and is by the window paying her $180 because is after 12 and by this time Twerking Sally all up in your bredrin face and down in his ears. You say nothing because its not your place right? You and the girlfriend make eye contact and you see it on her face that a war worse than any known to man is about to start if this smallie doesn’t stop dry humping this girl’s boyfriend. Twerking Sally reads the play and proceeds to make her way back to her friends however as soon as Girlfriend goes to the bathroom, Sally finds her way back by the people man. This goes on for the rest of the night until Girlfriend finally loses her cool and snatches the now Tumbling Sally by her 24inch Brazilian deep wave. (Just Kidding, I don’t condone violence but you get the moral of the story)

Some women just have absolutely no respect for other people’s relationship. There are things you just don’t do with a man in a relationship. This would include but is not limited to

1. Dancing like you in a casting call for Brazzers. A little bit again and you looking for Copa to recruit you. Patrice Roberts once said, a little wine never hurt nobody but keep in mind that the key word here is ‘LITTLE’ not cock up your foot like you on episode 56 of Dutty Fridays.

2. Flirting, whether on social media or in private is definitely a no no. However you cannot be so boldface as to comment, hearts, kissy faces, love eyes, a wet tongue, on a woman’s husband/boyfriend post whether he rocking with his whole cock out or not. That is not your place! Women prove time and time again that men aren’t the only thirsty ones. Oh gosh turn down your desperation dial sometimes nah.

3. Grabbing his ass or penis. This one is self explanatory (I would hope) but in the event that it isn’t, you grab, you risk losing your hand.

4. Calling/Msging after hours. What happen? You’s a phone sex operator or you just want to reach on TriniHomewreckers so bad? If you not on your death bed, doh be calling people man after 10pm and even if you are, use your last moments to ask God for forgiveness for not using the trillions of gallons of water he left on this earth to quench your thirst.

5. Commenting on every single post. Come on, he really not that funny, is not Kevin Hart we talking about here. He post a picture of his dog’s vomit and you have to comment, are you a Vet or an emesis specialist? Give it a rest sometimes na babygirl.

There are also certain circumstances under which you should directly apply 10 ease ups to a man in a relationship.

– That’s your friend’s or sister’s man. Pretty straight forward right?

– Alyuh used to smash years ago. He moved on right? you should too.

– He not on youuu. How you over pooshy soo??

Ladies, even if you cant respect yourself, try your hardest to respect other people’s relationships please. You really don’t want to end up outside the fete with 5 fire officers patching up your buss head.

Why men CANT take horn

We live in a day and age where men are still of the opinion that a woman’s main goal in life is to settle down, be loyal and committed to a man (whether he deserves it or not) and have a family. While it may be one of a woman’s goals to, at some point, get married, women have been steadily evolving over the past decade and education and success have taken precedence over everything else. Men being men are still stuck with the unfledged mentality that they, with their many imbecilic reasons, should be allowed to live their unfaithful lifestyles without consequence. However, give these men a taste of their own medicine and they would swear they have known no pain or betrayal greater.

Men love that ‘New Cyat Smell’. One whiff and they lose all ability to have restraint or remain loyal but only let a man find out that someone else whiffing his ‘cyat’ and getting the same high, he WILL lose his mind in an instant. Men cant bear the thought of another man sinking his face in his sauce and getting that fresh, new feeling, the one he once had for his girl many moons ago.

Once a man gets comfortable, he is of the belief that his woman would be around forever, shamelessly taking his ill-treatment and infidelity. So he responds to every pretty pussy that purrs at him, confident that his house cat isn’t going anywhere. Its such a blow to a man’s ego to know his pretty house cat has been around town purring at others as well.

Getting horn demolishes a man ego beause it means that the woman was smart enough to play him like a man. Men think they are the brightest creatures living because they can run game on women and not be caught therefore they cannot fathom when a woman proves to be just as smart by turning the tables on them.

Apart from having a woman beat him at his own game, he sits and ponders on why she would have possibly cheated. Is it that his sex game is lame and she wasnt satisfied? As these thoughts of sexual incompetence fill his mind, his ego along with his penis shrivels into a near state of non-existence.

After having his ego annihilated, he now has to face the general public as a hornee. While a woman’s friends will support her and wipe her tears, a man’s friends will probably laugh at his shortcomings (no pun intended) which provides him with further humiliation. He then has to laugh it off and play macho douchebag for his friends then go home, nurse a devastated ego and rock his crying self to sleep.

Men simply cannt take horn and it all comes down to ego. No other man is to touch a mans food. A woman is not supposed to be smart enough to horn a man. She is supposed to stick with him through the good and bad, no matter how bad. She is supposed to accept his shitty sex as well all in the name of keeping his pride in tact.

5 Things To Do While Your BF Watches Football

We are currently at the midpoint of all major football leagues and if you are like myself and you genuinely enjoy the sport then that may not be such a bad thing. But for those girls that cringe at even the sight of football on their twitter TL then you may want to find other things to occupy your time especially if your boyfriend is a die hard fan. Champions League Quarter Finals are upon us so brace yourselves ladies for those ‘im going trotters with the boys to watch the game’ moments. Here are just a few things you can do with the time you have to yourself:

1) Go Shopping.
Yes shopping, get yourself that pair of shoes you saw at the mall last month and couldnt stop thinking about since. Better yet, get something sexy to wear for your bf later to celebrate his team’s winning or to comfort him if they lose 😉

2) Get your hair / nails done.
There is nothing like pampering yourself. Go to the spa, get a massage, have those nails done. You’d feel so good after and you’d be looking good too.

3) Go to the gym.
Do it for yourself however he will definitely appreciate it as well. Nothing like watching your team make a comeback in the 89th minute after struggling all game and then having a perfectly rounded azzz to look at after. Who knows, he just might be tempted to do the groceries 🙄

4) Call up the girls.
Maybe you have other lame (lol joking) friends who don’t like football. They would be in the same predicament as you. Go grab a drink, watch a movie, laugh at how stupid you think football is, bake a cake, something.
Talking about baking cakes…..

5) Cook/Bake.
You have just under two hours to yourself, why not prepare a meal. Try a new recipe or make your signature dish. That’s definitely something you and your boyfriend can both enjoy it after the match.

There are many other things you can do, you don’t have to sit and hold your breath for 90 mins however, you not liking the game does not mean he shouldn’t enjoy it either.

The Thirst Trap (Part 1)

Just as social media has been breeding the ‘tusty man’ species, it has also been breeding the ‘attention seeker’ species. They basically support each other. The thirsty dudes fuel these attention seekers’ need to be even more desperate for said attention and in doing so these thirst traps give ‘tusty men’ more reasons to be the dehydrated creeps they insist on being,

These ‘yo daddy wanna take me shopping’ bitches show clear indications of a lack of love and attention as a child and some severe insecurity issues masked by their famous line ‘ if you got it, flaunt it’.

I guess if you got an ass you MUST flaunt it, you must prop your batty up on a sink like it would collapse if you didn’t.

If you got it, flaunt it, so you string up your vagina with what you call a ‘bikini’ and pose up on the people social media big and bold with your tiger roaring, best you set it free and done.

If you got it, flaunt it, so your melons all on display like instagram is the Sunday market.

How about flaunting your intelligence, your educational and career achievements, your morals, your beautiful mind. I guess we are left to assume that you don’t have much of that to flaunt, huh?

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The effects of entertaining a thirst trapper

Men and women do not share the same kind of thirst. While you are  thirsty to get in them pants, she is thirsty for them likes, for that money, for the attention. Men it is your duty to NOT get caught in the traps. You are making it harder for yourself and for your gender.

No woman is going to give you the time of day if you are a known thirster. To make matters worst, the attention is going straight to these ladies’ heads. Now you have a ‘barely made it’ 5 feeling like a 9.8. You have these ‘bess body’ but face for paper bag girls feeling like they run the world. They cant offer you anything but a phone full of selfies and likes but they think they are God’s gift to men, like they fart and *poof* fun dip comes out. So when you could have given her a box of KFC and get her to boom flick pon your dick, you now have to wash her throat too, with CIROC. Yes, we know most of them are begging for the attention, they would do anything for it, the only thing they aren’t doing for it is standing on French street beating their chests. This is why you are setting yourselves up guys, she will embarrass your ass for 50 likes and 7 new followers. Is that what your dignity is worth?. You give them attention, they are going to go on a rant about you being a ‘tusty man’, a  turns into a ‘track’ and before you know it, a dinner special with an additional biscuit is a proposal.

Someone needs to bring these girls with these gassed up heads back down to earth. Instead of a like, try offering them a coupon for a psychologist, help them find their biological daddy, there is a deeper rooted problem here man! Stop running into the traps head on like mice.

Tusty Man Traits

For over a decade, social media has been breeding a new species called ‘the tusty man’. Born on websites like Hi5, Tagged and Myspace, with a natural  tendency to be exceedingly eager when it comes to women, the tusty man has no civility, no shame and knows no limits. At first, second and third glance you would swear they learned how to pick up girls from Johnny Bravo. –> (how to pick up girls Johnny Bravo style : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnGnl-UElVA ) . I am absolutely positive this is not what Ramu Yalamanchi gave us Hi5 for back in 2003.

How to spot a ‘Tusty Man’

• He follows/adds every ‘pretty girl’ he comes across on social media even if they do not return the favor. This usually leads to him having a significant difference between the amount of followers he has and the amount he is following. DEAD give away. While he is going hard following 2398, he has a steady 89 followers. Now it is possible for you to add/follow a lot of girls without being ‘tusty’, later id explain to you how.
• He likes every picture, that every girl he follows, posts. EVERY SINGLE ONE. He even gives likes retroactively, so if he happens to miss your post today, rest assured that your like will be paid when he does his routine check within the next 1-5 days.
• He leaves the most shameless comments under many girls posts, whether it be a picture, status, or even a video of them on the throne. He must have something to say and this here is the deal breaker, its what entitles you to the ‘tusty man’ status.There are many of these you would come across, such as

1. Emoticon Eric.

He speaks no words but usually has hearts in his eyes , his tongue out his mouth slobbering like a dog or is a flame thrower (because you’re just that hot) .

2. Add Me Andy

He is the one who always drops the ‘follow back’ or ‘add me’ under your post. He casually leaves his kik/snapchat username or even his number, like you wouldn’t have added him already if you wanted to.

3. Wayy Too Tusty Timothy

This one is the most obvious. He is either ‘hmmmmming’ or leaving the most outrageous comments under women’s pictures, offering to eat sour nerds out her ass or to sacrifice his left nut to be able to suck her toes. 

Now, there is nothing wrong with admiring women because Lord knows there are way too many gorgeous ones out there but if the tusty rusties can tone it down a tad bit it will make it a lot easier for your gender. A compliment is fine but to be riding every woman’s clit being super dehydrated is not attractive and it definitely isnt going to get you the girl.

Top Trini Tabancas

Trinis definitely suffer from CTS, Chronic Tabanca Syndrome. We get tabanca for everything under this scorching hot Caribbean sun. Now, it might sound like a sad case and it really is sad indeed because Trinis ‘arse’ too happy. These ‘problems’ of withdrawal we face daily and suffer the occasional ‘extra beat up’ for are the epitome of happiness, that which Mr. Monk Monte sang about in 2014. And if you don’t know what tabanca means, lets just go with ‘an extreme sadness and/or a depression following one’s breakup or separation from one’s significant other or something one has great love for’. Us Trinis have such ‘great love’ for the following things that it brings us near tears when it is gone/ when we are lacking.

The Weekend.

Our weekend tabanca always so strong that we dwell on it for ONE day and by day two we’re like some crack junkies on Charlotte Street looking for our next fix. Maybe its more the lime than the weekend because we’re definitely not looking for rest or relaxation, we’re looking for PUMP.

   By Tuesday night we’re gathered like a cult by Frankies, with a drink of choice in hand (either beer or rum), carrying on some ole talk about sports, the latest scandal or our crumbling government. Wednesday we proceed to find ourselves in Tzar or Rosscos and by Thursday we turnt up and being toted out of Fluid/51 Free drinks events. Friday morning as we crawl to work half drunk and running on no sleep we solemnly swear that we would relax that weekend till, of course, we get that call for the Ave /DDI / Beach pump.

Curry

Oh yes, we all know about that curry tabanca. The one that drives your attention away from your work and sets your mind on that lunch time run to Town Center Mall to indulge in some floury, flaky, buttery goodness. The kind of goodness that makes you want to eat it all including the box, NO, not that box, the Styrofoam box the food comes in. If its one thing trinis love, its curry. Whether they stand up in Curepe ordering ‘2 doubles with slight’ at 7:55 am when they have work for 8am or running away at 11:15 am to beat the long lunch hour line by the roti woman, we go to great lengths for our curry.

Man/Woman

This one is pretty much self-explanatory and is the one we suffer from the worst. You know after that tragic break up with your ‘promoter man’ / ‘promo girl’, the one that leads to nights spent in the club singing ‘I DONT FXCK WITH YOU’ while knocking back some shots of puncheon. The tabancas that you try to pacify with quotes on instagram or very regrettable hook-ups. YEH, those you read about in the Express where the man commits a murder suicide (UNFORTUNATE/UNJUSTIFIABLE) ….. Trinis have that whole post relationship tabanca and the remedy on lock, in more ways than one.

Carnival

Oh yes, this is the most common tabanca. The one that pushes us to count down all 365 days of the year as we post carnival pictures with #TBT all 4-10 weeks both before and after carnival.

  The euphoric feeling we get as we jump and wave and wine our bumces (whether real or fake) on every truck, pole, car, and policeman, the unlimited drinks (barely) , the sweet sweet soca music what we love and need according to Sugar Daddy–> www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TAKW3Xh7x8 .  It all sends us into a raging frenzy while we have it and when we don’t we go into a great depression like our dog just died.

Not one thing mentioned seems life threatening, unless of course you count he irrational ex with the cutlass. I guess its safe to say that Trinis are definitely a happy bunch, with our tabanca and all and we always have the cure, more party, more food, more rum.

Carnival 2015 WTF’s

We have been waiting on these two days as of March 5th 2014. Carnival Monday and Tuesday 2015. We jumped and waved and partied like bosses. Fete till we fell down. Now the dust has settled and the pahtee done and while we may still be hungover, going through a vybz withdrawl and soaking our bunion ridden feet its time to address the biggest WTF moments of carnival 2015.

Costume Scalping
Now its nothing new for scalpers to buy out tickets for events and have to resell them outside the venue at a loss, however carnival costume resale prices were at an all time low this year. Costumes were selling at an unbelievable $3000 discount. WTF. Carnival Monday came and met some people still on fineahband trying to get their $7000 worth of feathers and beads off their hands. The cause of this heartwrenching occurrence is still unknown and while it may be easy to pass the blame to the falling oil prices maybe the most logical reason would be poor financial planning and a short space of time between Christmas and Carnival. Who knows?

Trinis STILL dont know how to mind their business.
Of course with the availability of so many platforms to express one’s opinion, people decided to use that opportunity to do so concerning the most irrelevant things. So what if Suzie down the road took a loan to pay for her costume but her car got repossessed last week? Is you hadda travel to work Ash Wednesday? Or lemme guess, the loan payments are being deducted from your salary? HADDA BE. Or how about these men going off on Amber Rose’s gay assistant? Half of these men no different from the Wasa man the other day. In private cock up in all sorts of compromising positions…… you know what, never mind. Just learn to mind your business na, WTF.

Fatal Wines
No, not the consumption of too much alcohol, the type that Farmer Nappy sang about. Bumpas steady getting men in trouble decades now but to be killed over one? WTF! Its alleged that a young man was murdered following Jouvert celebrations where he took a wine on the ex-girlfriend of a ‘gangsta’. Trini gangstas so gangsta that they killing you for taking a wine on their ex-girlfriends. Sounds like a pretty emotional gangsta to me. Imagine that’s what the value of life has been reduced to. A wine.

Rowley’s Motivation
A member of the public saw it fit to ensure that a picture our opposition leader taking a wine on a very forward minor came into circulation on social media. Apparently he thought she needed a wining padna and was kind enough to offer his assistance the only problem with this is that she is 17 years of age. No Tyga and Kylie, just an innocent man unknowingly taking a wine on an underaged girl. Now he may not have known who he was wining on but im sure she, with her young self knew whom she was throwing that bumpa back on. Therefore who is really at fault here? While some may argue that he is in office and should not conduct himself in such a manner, is CYARNIVAL dawg, low him leh him do it na. WTF.

Jockey Straps and Bedazzled Backs
Yikes. Who let their man out with his ‘piggyleeks’ in a baby socks? WTF. Im 200% sure that the costume did NOT come with that. Maybe he didnt check his costume box at the camp to make sure the whole costume was there and had to improvise. But does that give him the right to violate people’s rights in such a manner. I mean, who would be comfortable with being exposed to that. And what about that infamous lady who couldn’t get a spot in Tribe so she bought her costume from Oral-B? Last i check, floss was for your teeth, not your ass and pairing it with gems on your back does not make it any more acceptable.

Implants, Implants, (botched) Implants.
So its no secret, 2014 was the year of cosmetic surgery. With it being available even right here in our little island, many have taken the opportunity to make adjustments to their bodies and 2015 was definitely the year to flaunt it. While most women with their surgically enhanced bodies looked absolutely stunning for carnival, some need to let the plastic settle, the swelling go down and maybe even check out the tv show ‘Botched’. I saw boobs on necks because they havent dropped yet but the most mind-boggling site was the lady on the wall flinging her bumcee in a somewhat circular motion. The most puzzling part of it was that her body was going forward while her bum seemed to be attemting to run away. It looked as though there were a couple midget gymnasts doing backflips inside her ass (WTF) and one was only left to assume that it was simply an implant gone bad.

While there were many WTF moments this carnival season, there were many amazingly gorgeous people and auspicious moments for 2015, as every other carnival.

Fake profiles and Real boobs

So instagram was rocked by a vast amount of nudes of many trini girls this morning causing panic among many and embarrassment to many others. All this havoc created by ONE fake profile with NO good intentions.
Firstly, as a generation so highly dependent on technology and surrounded by social media you would think that by now we would have mastered the skill of using both. There are so many ways to differentiate a real profile from a fake one with one of the best being the use of intuition. Right behind intuition would be the lack of interactions with real friends on said profile and not just admirers. With the copious amounts of sleezers and creeps on social networks lately its VERY easy for someone to upload pictures of a pretty girl/ handsome man and get people to leave compliments below however interactions with real friends could never be faked. There are multiple other signs but some things cannot be taught in one lesson.

Moving on. I have nothing against nudes. That’s just MY opinion and what i choose to live by BUT everything has rules to govern it and if you DON’T know the rules of taking/sending nudes then you probably shouldn’t be doing so in the first place.

1, NEVER EVER put your face in your nude. Nope, no faces no matter how cute or sexy you try to make it. No matter if your tongue out, you winking, squinting or have eyebrows drawn on by God himself. No faces and i believe the reason need not be explained.

2. No identifiable marks. This includes but is not limited to burns, birthmarks, scars and tattoos. These marks are never uniform therefore it is always easy to identify someone by them. So, YES we know its you *shelly* with the Benz logo tattooed above your vagina. [[eww]]

3. Have some pornography etiquette. If you know your vagina long like Kubs hunger strike and it protruding like we in a 3d movie, NO close ups please. No one wants a picture of your vagina looking like it going to bite them through the phone. There is no need for you to turn circus acrobatic and try to go pon your head, hang from the ceiling or anything like that. No dirty underwear, No overgrown hair. Keep it neat and sweet.

4. If you DO decide to take nude pictures, please exercise some judgement when sending. Someone you met on social media two days ago is not someone you should be sending your personal pictures to.  If you know your bf/gf is immature, then you know your nudes not in good hands. This is more of a guideline than a rule as it is totally up to you and your ability to make wise decisions.

I am absolutely tired of society telling people that they ‘look for it’. While people sometimes make poor decisions, NO one deserves to have their privacy violated in such a manner. If i choose to take naked pictures for my boyfriend of numerous years that should be my fair entitlement. No one has the right to share anyone’s intimate moments with the world without consent. The choices someone makes does not justify them being violated in any way just as rape is not justified by the choice of clothes the victim wears. We need to start teaching people how to NOT commit these crimes against others and people need to be a lot more careful with social media and do all within their power to protect themselves.

G♡A♡

I’ve only ever glimpsed the inside of your heart,
An intriguing experience from which I cannot part,
I want you to open your heart to me,
Let me undress your mind,
Caress your mind,
While you tell me of all your darkest moments,
Along with your most blissful times,
I want to feel your words,
I want to taste the liquor on your tongue,
I want to dance in the fires of your soul,
Travel through the depths of your emotions,
I want to drown.
Tell me,
How do you wear your scars so beautifully,
Like the tattoos on your chest,
Each with a different story.
Get lost with me,
In a fathomless conversation 3am,
Tell me what causes you pain,
What inspires your rebellion,
What deprives you of sleep,
What makes you quiver in fear
And what motivates you to still be here.
Lay your rough hands on the inside of my thighs,
Leave me gasping for air,
While you explore my body,
Just as you gasp for air,
While I explore your mind.

Keeping Up with Ian Alleyne

So i took a few minutes out of my very stressful day and decided to take a look at ‘Crime Watch’. Apparently Ian Alleyne is the combination of Superman and Perez Hilton of Trinidad and Tobago. He helps fight crime and is the most haughty and uncouth person while at it.

While looking at the program, a guy called and said someone attempted to rape his wife and daughter, he kindly asked Ian to call him back whenever he could, Ian’s response was ‘ah cah call u back now, get real’. SERIOUSLY??? The man then said ‘i never say now Mr Alleyne,, i just want your help’ and Ian continues to say ‘Get real get real’. NO Ian Alleyne, YOU GET REAL. You genuinely want to help people or you want them kiss your ass for your services? Just because people reach out to you for your help doesn’t mean they are any less than you and deserves to be spoken to in such a manner.

A woman also called and had a very strong ‘country’ accent and i am not sure what she said but Ian Alleyne saw it fit to say ‘ Yeh, Clearly you call from Tobago’ and then proceeded to hang up. I dont even know that that supposed to mean but I’m sure as hell if i was from Tobago, id be offended.

What is the point of trying to help people if you have to make them feel like a destitute? From climbing on people’s refrigerator to get footage of a man who committed suicide to insulting people about their way of speaking to just being outright disrespectful and disgusting.

As a public figure you can at least try to be respectful and in return respectable. Why would anyone want to take this man seriously when he is clearly incapable of being the least bit reverent. These people who need help and come to Crime Watch are being made a mockery and are being shown no respect.